The Legend of Marty: How Laid to Rest Hardware Was Born

Marty wasn’t your average skater. He had passion, he had heart… but he also had the worst hardware known to man. Bolts stripped from over-tightening. Nuts looser than your cousin's conspiracy theories. And a board that squeaked like it was haunted.

On a scorching afternoon, Marty rolled up to the local skate spot, slurping a chocolate shake like it was the last drop of joy on Earth. His favorite shirt was already stained with dairy regret. But nothing could stop his mission: land a clean tre flip over Old Man Reynolds’ backyard gap — a crusty chasm between a broken grill and a half-deflated kiddie pool.

Lurking nearby was Meatball — the neighborhood’s overweight, permanently unimpressed orange cat. Meatball didn’t care about Marty’s dreams. Meatball cared about two things: being in the way and sunbathing on grip tape.

As Marty set up for his run, Meatball, in a majestic display of flab and finesse, leapt onto Marty’s board mid-run. At the same moment, his shake — forgotten but still tightly gripped — launched from his hand in a perfect, cursed arc… and nailed him square in the face mid-air. A frozen slap from the dairy gods.

Blinded by cheap dairy and betrayed by his crusty bolts, Marty’s back truck snapped on impact. His board flew one way, his dreams another. He slammed — hard. Dramatic, slow-mo hard. Marty hit the pavement like a bag of wet laundry. He didn’t move. The shake oozed across the concrete. His dreams melted with it.

He lay there, limbs sprawled, milkshake dripping from his hair.

Without a sound, Meatball waddled over, climbed onto Marty’s chest, and looked him square in the face. Eyes wide. Head tilted. Purring. Heavy. Still. Like a tombstone made of fur and judgment. That day, Marty wasn’t just defeated. He was laid to rest. Laid to rest by the very bolts he refused to replace. And from that glorious wreckage came a new purpose. Laid to Rest Hardware was born. No more busted bolts. No more mid-air fatalities — well, we can’t promise that. Just hardware that holds up… until you don’t. Ride strong. Bolt better. Stay remembered. Laid to Rest Hardware — the last hardware you’ll ever need before the next fall. Stronger than your last set. Tougher than your sketchy landings. And absolutely not cat-proof.